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Your wife or partner suddenly can’t stand the sound of you chewing. Or she gets really irritated about the way you load the dishwasher. Little things that never bothered her before now easily — and quickly — make her angry.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
The menopausal transition affects more than just the body. It can also affect your partner’s mood, sleep, stress levels, and more. The good news is that you can help her through it.
Lauren A. Tetenbaum, a licensed psychotherapist and Menopause Society Certified Practitioner, shared practical tips with ThisIsMenopause to help you support your partner through perimenopause and menopause.
“I wish that every adult partner knew how women’s bodies work and how our moods and emotions are connected to our hormones,” Tetenbaum said.
Fluctuating hormones can cause all kinds of challenges during the menopause transition. It’s not just hot flashes and night sweats. Fluctuating estrogen and progesterone levels can also cause mood swings, sleep problems, brain fog, and other symptoms that affect how women interact with others.
“My mood swings — I hate it,” one woman told ThisIsMenopause. “They have me mean in ways I don’t like at all. It’s even torn me and my husband apart.” Another said, “I get angry really fast, and it’s annoying.”
Tetenbaum explained that women may not immediately recognize that rage or mood changes are linked to perimenopause. Combined with the everyday pressures of midlife, changing hormone levels can leave women feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and emotionally reactive.
“Midlife is full of stressors, including caregiving, career changes, relationship changes, and impacts of hormonal changes on sexual health,” Tetenbaum said.
“So all of that is going on, and then hormonal fluctuations impact our neurotransmitters, making our reactions a lot more volatile than we might like them to be.”
It can be hard, but if a woman in your life is struggling, try not to take her mood swings personally. Hormone changes are likely playing a big role, and she probably feels out of control.
“It’s important to show that you care, that you recognize that she might be going through something that she’s not choosing to go through, that she might be having a hard time, and that she might need and appreciate your help,” Tetenbaum said.
While support will look different depending on the person and the situation, here are some practical ways partners can help:
Tetenbaum emphasized that communication remains key, and there isn’t just one way to support a partner through menopause.
“It looks different depending on what the woman is going through, what her personal preferences are, and what she needs,” Tetenbaum said.
“Always just ask, ‘How can I help you?’ ‘How can I be there for you?’ ‘What do you need right now?’ You can’t go wrong with compassion and curiosity,” she added.
Just as there are things you can do to support your spouse or partner during the menopause transition, there are also a few things to avoid. One main one, Tetenbaum explained, is telling her to “just calm down.”
“I’m generalizing, but I think I can safely say that women do not ‘calm down’ or ‘just relax’ when told to do so,” she said. “We often need time to be alone, to have that calm and quiet, but it’s not helpful for your partner to put you in a timeout.”
Instead, she suggests trying to defuse the situation without blame. Try saying something like, “This seems heated. Why don’t we take a break from talking about this?”
Tetenbaum said this approach can help reduce pressure on your partner, who may already know that her reaction was extreme for the situation.
“That puts less onus on the woman,” she said. “I think a lot of women do recognize that they’re behaving or reacting in a disproportionate way, but they feel like they can’t control themselves, and it’s not helpful to be called out.”
Many women experience vaginal dryness, recurrent urinary tract infections, urinary incontinence, or changes in libido during menopause. Other common concerns relate to poor body image affected by weight gain and other physical changes. All of this can affect sex drive.
“This shouldn’t have to be said, but as a reminder, please never force or coerce your partner into engaging in any form of intimate activity that she doesn’t feel ready for emotionally or physically,” Tetenbaum said.
“Instead of thinking, ‘She’s no longer interested in me. She doesn’t want to have sex,’ say, ‘Tell me how you’re feeling. What’s going on?’” Tetenbaum suggested. “Show up as a partner and go through this life transition together.”
She added, “Continue to be compassionate, tell her she’s beautiful without pressuring her, and of course, if anything is painful or uncomfortable, help her find the right medical resources.”
Tetenbaum says that while the menopause transition can add stress to a relationship, it can also be an opportunity to reflect on what each partner wants the next chapter of life to look like.
“Talking is always a good idea,” Tetenbaum said. “And as awkward as something might be, it’s important to even just label it. You can say, ‘Hey, I’m feeling awkward about this topic, but I feel like we should address it instead of skirting around the issue.’”
When conflicts do occur, Tetenbaum encourages couples to practice acknowledgment and repair. This can mean apologizing, clarifying intentions, and continuing to show up for each other.
Many women don’t realize that treatment options exist for menopausal symptoms. Others may feel like they need to be stoic and push through on their own.
Your role as a spouse or partner isn’t to diagnose or fix anything, but you can gently support your loved one in getting the care and information she needs.
It may be helpful to encourage her to speak with a healthcare provider if she’s experiencing:
Encourage her to consider support such as:
Your goal as her partner should be to stay open-minded and collaborative, not to solve or diagnose.
Tetenbaum explained that many women have been conditioned not to ask for what they need, even in close relationships. Encouraging your spouse or partner to express her needs directly, without fear of hurting your feelings, can help you both.
According to Tetenbaum, this might sound like her saying, “I’m tired, and I really need you to step it up with the kids at bedtime so I can get to sleep at 10 p.m., because I know I feel much better when I get enough sleep.”
You can also encourage her to share books, articles, podcasts, or other women’s health resources that help explain what she’s experiencing. “Everyone deserves more education on this topic and the knowledge that this is a natural phase of life for women,” Tetenbaum said.
With education, patience, compassion, and support, many couples get through this stage of life together. And remember, you’re on the same team.
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